Now you have it, too. Try it with celery. Bwahahahah.
IRL EXPERIMENTAL BACON JAM
Ingredients:
... (this part I'm super sure of)
bacon (any kind, I used applewood smoked, but whatever) - 1 lb
yellow onion - 1 large - peel and thinly slice
garlic - 3-4 cloves - peeled and chopped (I just did them in a julienne)
... (the rest... well... the amounts are kind of variable. To quote my
grandma, "How much? However much you want!")
strongly brewed coffee - 1/2 cup?
maple syrup - 1/4 cup + I think I tossed in another glug later
brown sugar - 1/3 cup, sort of lightly packed
apple cider vinegar - 1/3 cup
bourbon (totally optional but I mean COME ON) - 1/4 cup - I used Maker's Mark
black pepper - 1/2 teaspoon (maybe? I just put in a bunch, I could have put in way more)
chili powder - 1/3 tsp - mine was ancho but I don't think it matters
smoked paprika - 1/4 tsp - I think I could have added more of this, it smelled great when cooking but I'm not sure you could taste it
cayenne - I might have put in a pinch of it but I was scared to put in too much
Instructions:
1. Cook the bacon. You want it fully done but not tooooo crispy. Do it in batches so it has lots of room. Once it's done, put it aside on a paper-lined plate. Keep about 2-3 tbsp of the fat and discard the rest (into a container you WILL keep in the fridge to cook other awesomely flavoured things!).
2. In the bacon fat you've kept, cook the onions and garlic. You want to do it on medium low, so as to keep the onions translucent - you don't really want to brown them.
3. So maybe 8-10 minutes later, the onions should be done. Throw in all the rest of the ingredients, EXCEPT the bacon. Drop the heat down to low and mix it all up.
4. From low, bring it to a boil and let it boil for 2 minutes or so.
5. Meanwhile, chop up the bacon into 1/2 inch or so pieces. You could also have done this earlier and cook it in pieces, but I'd have done that with slightly larger pieces.
6. Once it's boiled, throw in the bacon. Stir it up and drop the heat again.
7. Let is simmer, uncovered for about 2 hours. You can adjust seasonings throughout this, but remember that it will cook down and concentrate flavours. Check it every once in a while (20 minutes maybe?), stir a bit and if it starts to dry out you can add a bit of water. I did that once, but probably out of paranoia than actual necessity.
8. It's done once the onions are basically melting almost away and the liquid is left as a syrup. Take it off the stove and let it cool for 5-10 minutes.
9. Throw it into a food processor (which I don't have, so I used an immersion blender, which worked okay but man, that is one of the more disgusting culinary things I've done and, remember, I have a recipe I often make that includes jello, cool whip, cabbage and mayo so I know what I'm talking about) and chop it up. You want it spreadable but still chunky and you want the bacon still recognizable.
That's it! This made 1 and 1/3 jars of the stuff. I'm sure you could easily scale this up. It should keep in the fridge for about a month, based on what I've read.
I've also seen recipes that included adobo and/or siracha and other things. So whatever flavours you want you can probably achieve in the mix.
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